Fakers Recap: Lakers lose to Pelicans after drunk local man escorted out by security

Editor’s Note: While we wait for real basketball to come back, we’re going to be doing some recaps of basketball games the Lakers played in movies or TV shows. All quotes/anecdotes are fake unless otherwise specified.

The Lakers continued their six-game losing streak in a 96-80 loss to the New Orleans Pelicans tonight, but for one game at least, Byron Scott giving all three rookies on the roster a DNP-CD again wasn’t the most criminal thing to happen on the court.

That honor instead went to an apparently heavily intoxicated local man who was randomly chosen to shoot a halfcourt shot, and, well, things didn’t go exactly as planned. After stumbling down to the floor, taking the microphone from the arena emcee and saying “first off, I love my kids,” the man then accused a courtside fan of trying to steal his family and ranted about having sex with his wife.

As panicked staffers quickly tried to corral the man, he stole a ball from one of the on-court organizers and declared that he was going to take his halfcourt shot. His overhand attempt hit a cheerleader in the face. After swiping another ball from an increasingly flustered staff, the man launched another shot, which knocked over a child in a wheelchair.

“I hate young people, so I thought it was solid aim on both attempts,” Scott, somehow still the Lakers’ head coach, said through crossed arms after the game. “That guy probably could have shot better than our guys not named Kobe. Maybe Mitch (Kupchak) should sign that guy, because I’m certainly not playing Jordan Carlson or whatever his name is.”

The fan was finally dragged off the floor after being tackled by security, and got pelted with popcorn as he was carried away. The Lakers couldn’t summon the same level of fireworks as the halftime events after leading 44-43 at the break, and let another game slip away to drop them to 12-31 on the season.

Kobe Bryant, who scored 14 points on 14 shots after snapping a selfie with the man’s children and stepfather before the game, was mostly bemused by the latest strangeness in a season that has been far from normal for the Lakers.

“I thought his form was terrible,” Bryant said. “Other than that, I’m just angry we lost tonight. I lit up Nick Young’s shoes with a blowtorch in the locker room, because it’s like I always say, to learn how to catch fire, you have to be on fire.”

Scott said Young was day-to-day with “softness.” Lakers officials later clarified it was third-degree burns.

On the Pelicans’ side, Anthony Davis was just too much for the Lakers, putting up the type of dominant, 29-point and 8-rebound performance that makes one dream about what he could do on a well-run team at some point.

“I’d love to play for the Lakers someday,” Davis said when asked what allowed him to get going on the evening, ending the night on a hopeful note for fans in Los Angeles.

The Lakers may not be good this year, but maybe someday, a player like Davis will come along to help revive them.

These events were actually from the Will Ferrell/Mark Wahlberg comedy “Daddy’s Home,” but the scene was actually filmed at a real Lakers game, allowing us to use real minutes and stats (even if the non-Ferrell quotes are made up). You can listen to the kind of wild process of doing here.

For more Lakers talk, subscribe to the Silver Screen and Roll podcast feed on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher or Google Podcasts. You can follow Harrison on Twitter at @hmfaigen.