Today, all thanks to NBA Twitter user @thinkerofthings, I became aware of some amazing news that I somehow missed when it happened: Los Angeles Lakers forward Anthony Davis guest-starred in an episode of meme source for millennials and Nickelodeon cartoon, “SpongeBob SquarePants,” about a month ago:
To put it simply, there is no clip that could make me say — to paraphrase from SpongeBob — “I’m ready (to spend $1.99 to watch this on YouTube)!” faster. I mean, just look at the teaser ad for this thing:
The episode Davis was in, entitled “SpongeBob Appreciation Day: Patchy’s Beach Bash!” can be watched here for just a couple of dollars — do you think my editors will let me expense this? — and is a clip show where theme-song singer and side character Patchy the Pirate plays his favorite SpongeBob scenes for a castaway named Ron (played by Napolean Dynamite’s Jon Heder). But that’s not the part you’re probably interested in, if you’re reading about it on this blog.
A little before midway through the episode, a completely stone-faced Anthony Davis (seen in the featured image for this article) starts jet-skiing from a Lakers-colored yacht out to the island where Patchy and Ron are acting out SpongeBob clips. Once Davis is introduced he starts smiling and waving, and he was apparently invited to the SpongeBob Appreciation Day Party by Patchy, via a message in a bottle.
This is mostly captured in the clip above, with Davis gunning for a Golden Globe by dropping unforgettable lines like “after the party I’ll take us all home on my fancy yacht” and then cursing “barnacles!” and “tartar sauce” when asteroids(???) come from nowhere to smash his yacht and jet ski.
Davis is then trapped on the island with Patchy and Ron, watching Patchy re-enact SpongeBob clips until shipwrecked singer Meghan Trainor and her backup dancers show up on the island — a moment marked by Davis shouting “Meghan Trainor and her backup dancers on a piece of cruise ship wreckage?” Now THAT is how you write exposition through dialogue.
They all continue to celebrate SpongeBob until the party devolves into a fight about their favorite scene. Davis argues for the oft-memed moment where Patrick Star “loses” his wallet, telling Trainor “it had relatability,” which is hilarious when you consider Davis’ story of losing his wallet in a Los Angeles movie theater, only to have it returned when he became a Laker.
The tense conflict is only settled when Abraham Lincoln (played with gravitas by former “Daily Show” correspondent Rob Riggle) shows up with a viewer-voted countdown of the three best SpongeBob moments.
Lincoln then rescues everyone from being stranded with Patchy forever by attaching an engine to the island and propelling it away. Yes, all of this summary is real, and yes, I will nevertheless probably receive a “random” drug test after writing it (shouts to Danny Green and Alex Caruso).
Here are some more screengrabs from the episode that are too surreal for even Photoshop.
In all seriousness, this special has everything you’d expect for a clip show. Celebrities that sound like they’re reading off cue cards, a completely insane plot and a ton of fun memories about a show I — and likely many of you — grew up loving. I cannot believe I didn’t know Anthony Davis was on SpongeBob before today, but I’m glad I found out, and LeBron James now has a high bar to top with his performance in “Space Jam 2.”