It all started innocently enough.
According to team sources, at some point in the meeting Linda Rambis looked up at the video camera feed from the media lounge, where she spotted Harrison Faigen talking to someone. By all accounts she couldn't tell exactly who he was talking to, but he seemed to be making quite a fuss.
(A few days later my sources confirmed that Harrison was asking the guy who puts out the snack trays if he'd had a chance to look into the vegan crab rolls Faigen had asked about. The man said he would check again, but my sources indicate that he never did.)
"Who is that man?" Linda said, pointing at the clearly agitated Faigen.
In response Rob Pelinka, who was on his knees painting Linda's toenails, looked up at a different monitor, where a news story about Jason Kidd as a possible replacement for Walton was on the screen.
"That's Jason Kidd boss," he said, before returning to her toes.
"What does he do?" Linda said, by all accounts increasingly impressed at the tall, balding man's passion for vegan cuisine.
(Sources later confirmed that Harrison was indeed now talking to a second person about the vegan crab rolls, and how it was a little insensitive not to have a meat-free option after he had already asked so many times before. Reports indicate that the person told Harrison that he would look into it, but didn't.)
"He was an all-star player, and more recently a head coach," Jeanie said about Kidd, without looking up from her phone. "Why, you think he's cute?"
(Important side note: For those fans who weren't around during the Lakers showtime era, the movie "Revenge of the Nerds" sparked a trend of Lakers fans wearing Rambis-style glasses to the games, only with tape in the middle like in the movie. It was this Kurt Rambis, the king of the 80's hoop nerds, that Linda fell in love with.)
"I think I do," Linda replied with an evil smirk, her gaze drifting up and down Faigen's gangly body as he began chiding a third food service employee.
"You think who's cute?" Kurt said from his seat in the corner, where reports indicate he was watching ESPN' 30 for 30 about the Showtime Lakers on his Ipad.
Apparently, after a signal from Linda, Rob Pelinka grabbed a nearby basketball and rolled it across the floor. As expected, Kurt leapt from his seat and dove for the ball. Sources later indicated that it is a trick Linda often uses when she wants to distract him.
"Hey Jeanie," Linda said while tossing a cookie to Rob, "we need a new coach don't we?"
At that point she looked at Jeanie, who my sources indicate was in the middle of trying to decide if she should block Magic Johnson on Instagram.
"I liked Luke," Jeanie said, before shooting a nasty look at Rob.
Well, as you can guess, within minutes after this meeting rumors started swirling that the Lakers were going to interview Jason Kidd for their head coaching vacancy.
Of course, while most of the mainstream press picked that story up and ran with it, a few savvy reporters who had apparently witnessed some of the exchange were already on the real story.
Adrian Watersnowski from FleaSPN-
League sources indicate that LA may be looking outside the organization for their new coach, possibly to a socially awkward blogger who likes to tell people he's going apartment hunting with his fake fiance'.
This tweet was followed up almost immediately by a second one from an equally reliable source.
Tania Ranguli from the Ole Times-
Can confirm @Wojfleas report about Lakers looking at goofy blogger as head coach. Possibly a former college newspaper editor who has a hard time pronouncing big words.
Unfortunately these two reports were lost in the avalanche of rumors about Jason Kidd, but according to most people I've spoken with, even if they had seen the tweets they wouldn't have known who these reporters were talking about anyway.
Well as it turns out, a few of Harrison's close associates put the pieces together, and after being confronted, he did admit that Linda Rambis and Rob Pelinka had approached him in the media lounge to schedule a meeting about the head coaching position.
(One person extremely close to Faigen says that the blogger was initially disappointed that Rob and Linda weren't there to talk about the whole ‘vegan snacks' problem, but did say that he ultimately came around to the idea of coaching the team.)
Now, anyone who reads Silver Screen and Roll knows that Harrison rolls large, and as expected all accounts indicate that he showed up to the interview with his entire crew at his back. In fact, numerous, credible league sources confirmed that @LakersFilmRoom Pete Zayas was on hand, accompanied by both Anthony Irwin and his wife Dr. Jen Irwin, while two different insiders said that even Sabreena Merchant was present as well, just in case things got rough.
(One team source said they thought that Christian Rivas and Alex Regla might have been there too, but since no one knows for sure what they look like, or if they aren't just two of Harrison's many secret ‘burner' pen names, these reports remain unconfirmed)
(One more note: Associates close to Darius Soriano confirm that he was also invited to attend, but when asked directly, he said that he quote 'don't roll with nerds like that' unquote.)
As you might have guessed, some of the mainstream media who hang around Staples saw Harrison and his crew heading for Jeanie Buss's office, and within seconds another rumor began to swirl.
Ramona Melbourne of FleaSPN-
Can confirm from sources close to Lakers owner Jeanie Buss that she is preparing to enter her first meeting with a head coaching candidate.
As one would expect, a tweet by someone who is notoriously close with team ownership sent the other media members scrambling. Two of the more savvy reporters even spotted Pete and Jen arguing over a piece of gum, giving birth to this pair of tweets.
Bull Oram of the Unathletic-
While head coaching vacancy remains unfilled, Lakers may be looking at none other than @LakerFilmRoom's Pete Zayas for video coordinator position.
Shams Encyclopedia of The Arthritic-
Can confirm @fullofbulloram's tweet about Pete Zayas. Also hearing Lakers may look to add DR Jennifer Irwin to round out their athletic training staff. Irwin is most well known for marrying down,
This time a few mainstream outlets actually picked up on the two stories, but all of the ensuing articles concluded that Zayas and Irwin were both actually qualified for the positions mentioned, making the chances of the Lakers hiring them almost nil.
Details on what happened next vary, but the parts they all agree on are as follows.
After a short wait, Harrison and his posse rolled into Jeanie's office, where the owner was lounging in a large chair behind her desk, looking over takeout menus. Seated at an almost identical desk and petting a cat wearing a diamond necklace was Linda Rambis, while Kurt Rambis and Rob Pelinka were seated below them in a pair of matching bean bag chairs.
(One normally reliable source indicated that Linda made her husband sit on the floor at some point during the meeting, but that report was unconfirmed)
"Hello Mr. Kidd," Linda apparently said to kick things off, as she slid out from behind her desk and began seductively wrapping herself around Faigen.
(Multiple sources later confirmed that Faigen knew right then and there that, if he was hired as the Laker's coach, he would have to immediately report this incident to Human Resources.)
"Mr. Kidd?" Jeanie said, looking up from her phone for the first time. "Wait, you thought this nerd was Jason Kidd?"
Linda looked at her friend with what some sources described as a Thanos-esque scowl before Rob Pelinka jumped in to attempt to diffuse the tension.
"Well, he is about the same height, and has almost the same haircut," Pelinka said, looking nervously between Jeanie and Linda.
"Wait," Harrison said, as he apparently started to figure out what was happening. "Are you guys saying you don't want me to coach the team?"
(A few reports indicate that at this point Sabreena Merchant started cracking her knuckles and muttering about asses needing to be kicked, but others say she only threatened to crack some skulls)
Now, although details were a little sketchy about the last part, it seems that Linda and Jeanie shared a pair of disinterested shrugs before Linda spoke again.
"I don't know," she said. "Do you want to coach the team?"
(I recently heard that at this point Anthony Irwin mumbled something about how Harrison couldn't be any worse than Byron Scott, but that report also remains unconfirmed)
Harrison apparently looked at Zayas, who nodded eagerly like Jonah Hill nodding at Brad Pitt in Moneyball, before looking back at Jeanie.
"I mean sure," Faigen said, matching her aloof shrug from earlier. "It's not like I already have three jobs or anything."
Not surprisingly, Harrison's sarcasm fell flat. And in fact, Linda was reportedly about to make the offer formal when Kurt cleared his throat.
"Oh yeah," she said, frowning at the man she married. "How do you feel about adding either my husband or the real Jason Kidd to your coaching staff?"
Of course, we all know now that Harrison didn't take the job.
Some say it was the coaching staff request, while others indicate it was the length of the contract that he objected to. Either way, the real reason may always remain a mystery.
I do, however, know from numerous sources that less than an hour after the meeting, Harrison was back in the media lounge asking if they had considered vegan tacos. All reports indicate that the food service workers all told him they would look into it, but that none of them ever did.
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