I’m gonna start this off with a controversial take: 100 Grand is the best halloween candy there is. It’s a shame they barely sell it anywhere anymore. The only time you can find it is in the fun size bundles of candy. I know what you’re gonna say, “there’s a reason they only sell it in those.” Well guess what, Lakers fan confused as to why you’re reading candy hot takes in my lede, you’re wrong.
Anyway, some of the Lakers’ players went all out for Halloween this year, posting photos of their costumes on social media. Some of them were really creative with what they were wearing and some, well really one, not so much. I thought i’d rank all 7 of the Lakers players’ costumes in honor of today being Halloween, and if you thought I wouldn’t take this seriously, well, boy were you wrong.
#7. Talen Horton-Tucker
Now, I’m not the type of person to go all out for Halloween, so maybe I shouldn’t judge Talen for this, but compared to the other Lakers players, this was easily the laziest costume. To be fair, Horton-Tucker also makes the least amount of money of any of the players we’re evaluating here, so maybe this wasn’t a totally fair fight.
Still, all I’m getting from this costume (and his caption) is that he’s purging. And all I’m saying is, if he’s purging, it’s probably not best to be wearing that really nice, noticeable watch. That’s a big part of why I deducted points. You also have to carry some sort of weapon when purging, and he has none.
Final Score: 3/10 Pumpkins
#6. DeMarcus Cousins
From the looks of this, it looks like Cousins is getting ready to purge like THT. It’s not possible to see Cousins’ full costume in this photo, but the reason I put Cousins’ in front of THT is strictly because of the mask. Boogie’s mask is much scarier than THT’s is, plus from what you can see from the photo, it seems like his outfit is better suited as well. Also, seeing a six-foot, ten-inch human being in this mask is just terrifying by itself. If I saw that, I think I’d run back home.
Final Score: 5/10 Pumpkins
#5. Alex Caruso
Come on, who doesn’t love The Office? Alex Caruso is dressed up as Dwight Schrute. Now, there’s a lot that I was upset with from the costume. The first is that Dwight’s hair isn’t actually that dark. It’s a bit lighter. Also: Where is the belt? Dwight always wears a belt. The only thing that saved the costume for me was that Alex and his girlfriend, Abby, had a combined costume with Abby as Angela Martin.
I respect the coordination and effort, and Alex’s self-awareness to know he needed a wig to pull off the whole “hair” thing, and reflected that in the final score.
Final Score: 6/10 Pumpkins
#4. JaVale McGee
JaVale’s costume choice was Beetlejuice. He’s got almost every part of it down. There’s just two things that made me not put him third on the list. One is that you can see at the top of his head where the hair is supposed to connect, it’s poking out a little bit. I’m pretty sure that’s from his hair, which I don’t blame him for not shaving off. BUT, the one thing i’m upset about is that he didn’t shave off his beard. He didn’t fully buy into his costume, and for that reason I put him fourth on the list. You’ve got to commit.
Still, I do absolutely love this video he posted on his twitter.
SAY MY NAME 3Xs..... IMA PULL UP LIKE THIS... pic.twitter.com/og0p6JWcBQ— Javale McGee (@JaValeMcGee) October 31, 2019
Final Score: 7/10 Pumpkins
#3. Kyle Kuzma
KUZFACE BABY! Get it? If not, that’s okay. If you’re like Anthony Irwin and asking “who the hell is that?” Kyle Kuzma is dressed up as the rapper Blueface. Kuz has it down pretty well.
Kuz gets additional bonus points with his costume because Blueface actually commented “Twin.” You know your costume is pretty good if the person you’re dressed as gives you props.
Final Score: 9/10 Pumpkins
#2. LeBron James
LeBron nailed this. Every Halloween, LeBron has a killer costume (and sometimes, decorations). I genuinely think LeBron thinks about what to wear for 320 days of the year, then for the next 44 days he gets everything he needs for the costume. You might think i’m kidding, but look at this tweet from Mike Trudell.
That takes some SERIOUS dedication. I’m shocked it didn’t even take longer than that. It’s kind of scary how accurate LeBron has this character down, just look at his eyes and face. If that’s his level of artistic commitment to the theatrical craft, “Space Jam 2” will be pretty good.
Can you imagine if he used that makeup right before the game on Friday? People thought masked LeBron was fun, this would be a whole other level. Now before everyone calls me out for this, yes i’m upset LeBron didn’t shave off his beard for this character like JaVale, but with this great of a costume and his dedication to the character’s mannerisms and affect, you can’t be too upset. I’m also concerned with how he held stuff or interacts with anybody at the party, but that’s probably not his biggest concern, nor should it be. Props to him for going all out, and he would have gotten the win if it wasn’t for our next entrant...
Final Score: 10/10 Pumpkins
#1. Dwight Howard
Dwight has been doing all the right things this time around with the Lakers, and he continues that trend with this costume. Dwight is dressed as Rasputia Latimore from the movie “Norbit.”
Dwight clearly didn’t put as much time or money as LeBron did into his costume, but sometimes that’s not what makes a costume good. I think it’s impossible for anyone to see Dwight’s costume and not laugh, so that gives Dwight the tiebreaker, despite them having the same score at the bottom.
I mean, he even won over Shaq! The costume was so good that it made Shaq (who’s dislike of Dwight has been fairly infamous) give Dwight Howard a compliment. That has to give him the win.
But you don’t have to take my word for it. Take guest judge Kyle Kuzma’s:
Final Score: 10/10 Pumpkins
You may agree or disagree with me on my rankings of the players’ costumes, but if there’s one thing I assume we can all agree on, it’s that 100 Grand is the best halloween candy.
Anyway, I hope you all enjoy your Halloween. And if you’re struggling to find a costume, just find a white tee to write “Lakers” and “3” on the front, with Davis written on the back. Then draw in a unibrow with a sharpie — unless you already have one, then that’s even better. This city is so in love with Anthony Davis right now that they’ll ignore your costume quality and just be thrilled at the reminder that he’s a Laker.