How I saved Lonzo Ball from getting cursed by Lil B

They say journalists should never get involved in their stories, and that wasn’t my intention when I wrote when I wrote about Lonzo Ball not caring that Lil B was threatening to “curse” him.

Sometimes, you don’t intend to be a hero.

I went to bed after filing that dispatch, and when I woke up, I was shocked to find that tagging Lil B in my article had changed his mind. Apparently after seeing how unafraid Ball was of him, like a classic internet troll, Lil B was ready to back off.

I thought my work was done. I had just changed the mind of a rapper who was famous for some reason, and that was reward enough for my not-that-hard work. Little did I know, I was about to receive confirmation that I was indeed the one to save Lonzo when Lil B gave me the first annual “Lil B Excellence in Journalism Award.”

What was it about the reporting that Lil B loved? Was it the part where I called him “a delusional Z-List rapper?” Or was it when “Ball shouldn’t be any more worried about Lil B cursing him than a black cat crossing his path while he steps under a ladder as he spills salt shakers all over a floor of broken mirrors?”

No one knows for sure. The point is, I just saved Lonzo Ball’s season. I don’t need you to thank me, because I don’t need your thanks. But to quote the great philosopher Kobe Bryant, I’ll just say “you’re welcome” anyway.

The ego in the preceding article was (mostly, and hopefully obvious) satire. Harrison Faigen is co-host of the Locked on Lakers podcast (subscribe here), and you can follow him on Twitter at @hmfaigen.