Tank Watch: The Lakers ‘climb’ to the number two spot

Shouts to the Los Angeles Lakers for understanding the task ahead of them and tanking care of business. We’ve all heard about what’s at stake. This top-three pick has become of the utmost importance as the rebuild trudges along with the effectiveness of a drunk dude spinning a golf cart’s wheel in a foot of mud.

So, news of the Lakers climbing to the second spot in the upcoming lottery is plenty of reason to celebrate, kind of.

Harrison, having had the tank run over his foot last week, is out for this so in I step.

The Lakers currently sit at 19-and-A-Lot and will probably finish with a record of 20-something-and-Way-Too-Many. Please, basketball gods, let this be the last time we have to care about this crap for quite some time. Please.

Let’s give credit where credit is due. It’s been a while, so here are the types of heroes who’ve gone above and beyond what is expected in tanking efforts.

Tank Play of the Week - Which single moment aided the Lakers’ tanking efforts more than any other?

Tank Commander - Who would team tank struggle to replace the most?

Anti-Tank Mine - At what point did the tank look most vulnerable?

Tank Reinforcements - Who aided the Lakers’ tank the most from afar?

Top Five Today - A quick glance at the other teams currently vying for lottery position.

Tank Play of the Week: Brandon Ingram can’t make shots he doesn’t take

The good news for Ingram is there’s nowhere but up to go in his next chapter of the Lakers-Celtics rivalry!

When they played Friday night, fans hoping to see Ingram shoot had to wait a little while. Ingram finally let one fly with about four minutes left in the game. Asked afterward, this is what he had to say*:

“Well, I know how important this pick is and I was really feeling it in warmups and pregame shoot-around. So, instead of risking something as dumb and potentially harmful as winning, I just let my teammates take all the shots because from what I could see before the game, it didn’t look like anyone would have it going. I just have to give them credit for playing so poorly so as to put us in this situation. Gotta get worse every day.”

*(In case it wasn’t already obvious, he didn’t actually say any of that)

Tank Commander: The Turd Quarter

Props to the Lakers’ training staff for playing “There Will Be Blood” (the most overrated movie ever made) and handing out handles of moonshine at halftime night-in, night-out. That’s commitment, right there.

Anti-Tank Mine: Fourth-quarter surges

For whatever reason, in the final minutes of these games, the Lakers decide nice, easy losses are boring. Instead, they opt for long-range anti-tank missile launches just to freaking everyone out just a little bit.

In Sunday night’s loss to the Pelicans, the Lakers even threatened with a lead late in the fourth quarter, before DeMarcus Cousins wisely picked up his sixth foul, thus ensuring the Pelicans could get their first win with him in the lineup. Kind of.

Tank Reinforcements - Thank. You. Suns.

Just take in this sequence in all its glory. God bless you, Isaiah Thomas and Tyler Ullis, you tiny, magnificent, little marvels.

Hoo, boy. I need a cigarette.

Top-Five Today: Shouts to Tankathon

Weekly Lottery Sim: YOOOOOO!!