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The Lakers' roadmap to a perfect 82-0 season

The tank is gone. Long live the future 82-0 Lakers.

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Statistical projections aren't being very kind to the Los Angeles Lakers, pointing to another dismal season. Stats, however, have nothing on this roadmap through a perfect season.

Behold the history that awaits.

10/26 vs Houston Rockets: It's Luke Walton's regular season debut as Lakers Head Coach and Staples Center is euphoric. Larry Nance, Jr dunks on Ryan Anderson so ferociously that Daryl Morey feels it in his spine. Lakers Win by 10. Besides, if Mike D'Antoni could win at Staples Center, wouldn't he still be the Lakers coach?

10/28 @ Utah Jazz: Rudy Gobert walks into Vivint Smart Home Arena expecting the media's love affair with him to continue as one of the NBA's up and coming big men stars and gets thrown off by the fact that Ivica Zubac has sapped up all the attention. He is so inconsolable that he sits out the game as a healthy scratch and D'Angelo Russell hits the game winning layup. Gobert's rim protection is badly missed. Lakers win by two.

10/30 @ Oklahoma City Thunder: Russell Westbrook, primed to make an MVP run, starts off red hot and it looks like OKC will deliver the Lakers first loss of the season. That is, until Brandon Ingram, aka Kevin Durant, Jr. checks into the game. Russ looks over, gets flustered, realizes he does indeed miss his old running mate, and begins shooting impulsively from half court every time he gets the ball. Lakers win by 22.

11/01 @ Indiana Pacers: Jeff Teague and Monta Ellis take turns dribbling the ball while Paul George wistfully stands and watches in the corner, hoping he can close his eyes and wake up in Rio. Larry Bird remains happy, however, because Coach Nate McMillan randomly yells "Run! Run!" every few minutes in a depressingly quiet gym. Lakers just better tonight. Lakers win by 12

11/02 @ Atlanta Hawks: Dwight Howard isn't a winner. Lakers win by 44.

11/04 vs Golden State Warriors: We know how this works. Lakers win by nine.

11/06 vs Phoenix Suns: Nearing election day, the Suns are so distraught that their state will actually vote Trump that they can't really focus on basketball. Lakers win by 19.

11/08 vs Dallas Mavericks: Kobe Bryant shows up wearing an #AmnestyThat T-shirt, his first Staples Center appearance of the season. Mavs are naturally intimidated, Lakers win by 24.

11/10 @ Sacramento Kings: Vlade and Vivek Ranadive force Coach Joerger, who's already quietly negotiating his buyout, to play a 5-3 scheme all game. Lakers win by one. (The method was remarkably effective)

11/12 @ New Orleans Pelicans: Anthony Davis has a monster game, but the rest of the roster is still bad. AD is dying inside, asking his barber to shave in "SOS" into his Eyebrow. Lakers win by four.

11/13 @ Minnesota Timberwolves: In a pre-game goof, D'Angelo Russell throws Karl-Anthony Towns' phone into a nearby Lake, mimicking the off-season Footlocker commercial. Twist: all of coach Thibs' plays for the game were emailed to KAT, he is unprepared. Lakers win by five.

11/15 vs Brooklyn Nets: The Lakers are *actually* better. Lakers win by 14.

11/18 vs San Antonio Spurs: #PastAndFutureLaker Pau Gasol fulfills his long con to convince the Spurs to sign him that has been in the making since they swept the Lakers in 2013 to come in and ruin them. He provides no rim protection and the Lakers win by seven.

11/20 vs Chicago Bulls: Mark Wahlberg, closeted Lakers fan, takes Jimmy Butler out too late and he comes to the game hungover. Rajon Rondo is naturally still unable to perform in Staples Center because of his Celtics past, Lakers win by 22.

11/22 vs Oklahoma City Thunder: After disappointing his team in the previous match up against the Lakers, Russell Westbrook plays a very measured game at a standard pace. This throws off the Thunder players so much that they lose anyway. Lakers win by six.

11/23 @ Golden State Warriors: The game is close until the fourth quarter where Draymond Green, having only shot once all game, throws a fit. Every time he gets the ball and is wide open, he simply yells "I AM NOT A MACHINE" at Steve Kerr and throws the ball out of bounds. Steve Kerr, looking to send a Phil Jackson type message, keeps Draymond in the game and the Lakers pull away. Lakers win by 6.

11/25 vs Golden State Warriors: Steve Kerr made a mistake. Draymond Green learns nothing, is suspended by the team for this game, Anderson Varejao plays 45 minutes inexplicably and the Lakers win by 27.

11/27 vs Atlanta Hawks: Dwight Howard isn't a winner. Lakers win by 31.

11/29 @ New Orleans Pelicans: Omer Asik and Timofey Mozgov argue at midcourt about who signed a more debilitating contract for their respective teams, Timofey wins. Lakers win by five.

11/30 @ Chicago Bulls: The Bulls are pulling their mid-season 2nd annual "We want Fred Hoiberg fired" routine, Lakers win by 12.

12/02 @ Toronto Raptors: Drake sings the National Anthem and in true Drake fashion is spotted on the zoomed in Jumbotron to be wearing a Lakers jersey underneath his Raptors jersey. The crowd turns on him, Lakers win by eight.

12/03 @ Memphis Grizzlies: Chandler Parsons gets distracted by the fact that Luke Walton is in fact the most handsome man on the basketball court. Lakers win by three.

12/05 vs Utah Jazz: The Jazz and Lakers play a close game until Jeanie Buss goads Jack Nicholson into making Quin Snyder snap by telling him "Listen, Quin, we know you're trying your hardest, but you'll never make a better Joker than me." Quin can't be contained, gets assessed two end of game technical fouls. Lakers win by two.

12/07 @ Houston Rockets: The two worst defenses in the league allow a combined 300 points, but Mike ‘Antoni's team is just a little worse tonight. Lakers win by five.

12/09 vs Phoenix Suns: Robert Sarver rants about millennials, forgets his team is full of millennials. Suns tank. Lakers win by 10

12/11 vs New York Knicks: After the inevitable injury bug hits the Knicks, the starting lineup of Sasha Vujacic/Justin Holiday/Kuzminskas/Plumlee/Godzingis is just not good enough. Lakers win by 17.

12/12 @ Sacramento Kings: Point Guard DeMarcus Cousins commandeers the first all center lineup in NBA history with admirable results, but still can not lead his team to victory. Lakers win by nine

12/14 @ Brooklyn Nets: The Lakers are *actually* better. Lakers win by six.

12/16 @ Philadelphia 76ers: The Lakers are *actually* better. Lakers win by nine.

12/17 @ Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron is in peak subtweeting form, somehow going after both Kyrie and Kevin Love in a single tweet, throwing off the team's chemistry for a few months simply because the King is bored of the season. Lakers win by 11

12/20 @ Charlotte Hornets: The Official Meme Society decrees that if the Lakers lose this game, the Jordan Cry Face will become the D'Angelo Russell Cry Face. A remarkably motivated D'Lo has a triple-double in a rout. Lakers win by 28.

12/22 @ Miami Heat: Timofey Mozgov, in an effort to prove to the Lakers fans that his signing was a smart one, completes a rare game-winning dunk over Hassan Whiteside. Lakers fans remain skeptical. Lakers win by one.

12/23 @ Orlando Magic: In a recurring problem for the Magic, after a 10 block first half combined between Serge Ibaka and Bismack Biyombo, both players fingers get stuck in the Mutombo "no-no-no" pose and are unable to play in the second half. Lakers win by 11.

12/25 vs LA Clippers: JJ Redick interviews Kobe Bryant on his podcast for a special Christmas episode and is so smitten that he refuses to hurt the Lakers, shooting 0-for-12 from deep. Lakers win by seven.

12/27 vs Utah Jazz: Mitch Kupchak leaks a Gordon Hayward to Boston rumor so artfully that it destroys the Jazz locker room. #LightYears Lakers win by 11.

12/29 vs Dallas Mavericks: After Kobe's retirement, Dirk gets very self-concious about being the oldest NBA player on the floor, shoots 35 times to over-compensate. It goes poorly. Lakers win by 18.

01/01 vs Toronto Raptors: DeMar DeRozan, huge Kobe fan, shoots 8-of-24 in his honor. This is a bad shooting percentage. Lakers win by eight

01/03 vs Memphis Grizzlies: Memphis as a city is scarred by Howlin' Ray's in Los Angeles was deemed to be the best Nashville Hot Chicken in the country. The Grizzlies are unable to rise to the occasion. Lakers win by nine.

01/05 @ Portland Trailblazers: Damian Lillard and CJ McCollum are unable to handle the fact that D'Angelo Russell and Jordan Clarkson are clearly superior versions of themselves. Lakers win by 28.

01/06 vs Miami Heat: Pat Riley in an effort to jolt the Heat out of a mid-season funk comes into the locker room to fire up his team. The problem? He kept mentioning Dwyane Wade and LeBron James. An even more dejected Heat team emerges to start the game, Lakers win by 17.

01/08 vs Orlando Magic: In an effort to drive up trade value, Frank Vogel is instructed to play Jeff Green more minutes. You NEVER play Jeff Green more minutes. Lakers win by 9.

01/10 vs Portland Trailblazers: The brilliant comedian Ian Karmel gets caught on leaked sex tape admitting to the fact that he's "more Los Angeles than Portland now," Damian Lillard and co. feel betrayed and can't recover. Lakers win by 27.

01/12 @ San Antonio Spurs: Pau Gasol's long con continues. Lakers win by 16.

01/14 @ LA Clippers: Blake Griffin gets heckled during his set the night before the game, which is something Blake has certainly gotten used to and actually handles with aplomb. Twist? That all changes when he finds out the heckler was Chris Paul. The Clippers are a mess, Lakers win by 19.

01/15 vs Detroit Pistons: Lakers employ the hack-a-Drummond strategy late, Boban is substituted in and Larry Nance, Jr. dunks on him so viciously that NBA Twitter begins immediately seeking out their new hero. (RIP NBA Twitter Boban Love) Lakers win by three.

01/17 vs Denver Nuggets: D'Angelo Russell is way better than Emmanuel Mudiay. Lakers win by nine.

01/20 vs Indiana Pacers: Monta Ellis, in fact, does not have it all. Lakers win by 11.

01/22 @ Dallas Mavericks: Luke Walton, having coached Harrison Barnes, devises a strategy to cover everybody except for Harry B. wide open in the corner. He goes 1-of-12. Lakers win by eight.

01/25 @ Portland Trailblazers: Bill Walton travels with the team after remembering Oregon's law of being able to use *ahem* a certain substance. The intellectual contact high that Luke receives propels the team to an easy win, Lakers win by 19.

01/26 @ Utah Jazz: Boris Diaw overdoses the Jazz on coffee as his caffeine addiction has been slowly spreading throughout the rest of the locker room. The Jazz come out to a huge 35 point lead going into halftime, but all crash together, Lakers pull off the comeback. Lakers win by three.

01/31 vs Denver Nuggets: Brian Shaw threatens to expose all the dark secrets he learned about Jusuf Nurkic while Nuggets coach, Nurkic threatens his own locker room to tank the game. They are terrified. Lakers win by nine.

02/02 @ Washington Wizards: John Wall and Bradley Beal still hate each other. Lakers win by three.

02/03 @ Boston Celtics: Brad Stevens, in an effort to make a substitution, screams out "Bust, you're in." The entire bench gets up at the same time, tripping over each other. Lakers win by 22.

02/06 @ New York Knicks: Phil Jackson inexplicably re-hires Kurt Rambis after firing Hornacek for not running enough Triangle Offense. It's going very poorly. Lakers win by 17.

02/08 @ Detroit Pistons: Kantavius Caldwell-Pope is summoned to the Vatican in an extremely embarrassing mixup, Reggie Bullock isn't up to the task of replacing him. Lakers win by seven. This was an awful joke.

02/10 @ Milwaukee Bucks: The Lakers decide to pack the paint all game, Bucks go 2-of-50 from the three-point line in a historically poor shooting effort. Lakers win by 22.

02/14 vs Sacramento Kings: It's Valentine's Day and the Kings are away from their homes. Basketball players have feelings too, people! Lakers win by 12

02/15 @ Phoenix Suns: Zack Greinke is sitting courtside clearly missing Los Angeles which leads to the entire Suns roster regretting not forcing their way to the Lakers, including Devin Booker. Lakers win by 11

02/24 @ Oklahoma City: Russell Westbrook, tired from almost a full season of shooting a record number of shots, simply doesn't have enough energy to finish the game. Enes Kanter, point guard, just doesn't work. Lakers win by nine.

02/26 vs San Antonio Spurs: Gregg Popovich is on to what Pau Gasol is doing and benches him but quickly realizes it's a Catch-22 - Spurs are nothing without Pau's greatness, perfection and purity of his soul. Lakers win by 16.

02/28 vs Charlotte Hornets: Lakers attack Roy Hibbert all night, exposing all of his weaknesses. Having had him on the team all last year, the staff concludes his weaknesses include standing upright and catching the ball, Lakers win by 11.

03/03 vs Boston Celtics: Wow, every player Danny Ainge is still a bust. No change. Lakers win by nine

03/05 vs New Orleans Pelicans: Coach Alvin Gentry couldn't resist going back to get the deep-fried avocados, gets sick again. Speculation rampant that ex-colleague Luke Walton put together the whole thing but no evidence is found. Lakers win by 20.

03/07 @ Dallas Mavericks: Mark Cuban, appointed by Hillary Clinton as Head of the Department of Commerce, begins making deals with foreign countries at the expense of his team. By sending Dirk to Basketball Bundesliga for two weeks as a gesture of goodwill to Germany, the Mavs hurt. Lakers win by 33.

03/09 @ Phoenix Suns: Robert Sarver, bored of actually keeping his draft picks, waives Devin Booker in a fit of madness because "things were better when I sold my first rounders." Lakers win by 11.

03/12 vs Philadelphia 76ers: The Lakers are *actually* better. Lakers win by seven.

03/13 @ Denver Nuggets: Brian Shaw, not content with messing with just Nurkic, reminds Kenneth Faried of the time he rapped and threatens to rap to him over the Staples Center PA system all game. Faried is spooked, Lakers win by 13.

03/15 @ Houston Rockets: Mike D'Antoni starts James Harden at center as he fulfills his destiny of becoming the Don Nelson of the NBA in terms of crazy, entertaining, not-winning basketball. Lakers win by three.

03/17 vs Milwaukee Bucks: Greg Monroe, eager to show the Lakers fans that they should be more upset he didn't sign with the team, demands the ball every possession. It goes poorly, he would've been a disastrous signing. Lakers win by 19.

03/19 vs Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron James doesn't make the trip to work out and party with Dwyane Wade in Miami, confusing the Cavaliers, Bulls, and Heat; both an impressive and destructive feat at once. Lakers win by 15.

03/21 vs LA Clippers: Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, is a special invited guest of the Lakers for this game. As a part of his introduction, the Lakers play a clip of Steve Ballmer mocking the original iPhone, embarrassing him and the team. Lakers win by four.

03/24 vs Minnesota Timberwolves: Andrew Wiggins has historically put on quite the show whenever in Staples Center. Without Kobe Bryant, however? He is unable to rise to the occasion and shoots his team out of the game. Lakers win by three.

03/26 vs Portland Trail Blazers: Damian Lillard is not ready to be confronted by the fact that Lou Williams is in fact the NBA's current best rapper, has a terrible game. Lakers win by seven.

03/28 vs Washington Wizards: Yup, John Wall and Bradley Beal still hate each other. Lakers win by 18.

03/30 @ Minnesota Timberwolves: After Coach Thibs plays his players too many minutes, Kevin Garnett is forced to play 40 minutes being one of the last surviving players this season. He stays on one side of the floor and just yells, does not help at all. Lakers win by 21.

04/01 @ LA Clippers: One of Doc Rivers bedsheets that he uses to cover the Lakers banners falls off, exposing the Clippers to Lakers greatness. The Clippers players are unable to recover after realizing how far away they truly are. Lakers win by 25.

04/02 vs Memphis Grizzlies: In a spirited back and forth game, Marc Gasol is unable to get the potential game tying shot off as time expires as Ivica Zubac is substituted in at the last possession to guard Gasol. When Marc is asked about it postgame, he responded: "Why would I want to score on the perfected version of myself?"

04/05 @ San Antonio Spurs: Gregg Popovich doesn't play his starters on the second night of a back to back and Luke Walton, arrogant from his time with the Warriors, does the same. Remarkably, the Lakers reserves ball out. Lakers win by 12.

04/07 vs Sacramento Kings: Kings in full tank mode, declare DeMarcus Cousins out due to "bad mood." Lakers win by 17

04/09 vs Minnesota Timberwolves: After Coach Thibs plays his players too many minutes, Kevin Garnett is forced to play 40 minutes being one of the last surviving players this season. He stays on one side of the floor and just yells, does not help at all. Lakers win by 21.

04/11 vs New Orleans Pelicans: Pelicans tanking hard at this point - Anthony Davis officially declared out for the rest of the season due to a "knee issue" spotted at Playboy Mansion with Playmates on his shoulders in his Andrew Bynum tribute. Lakers win by eight.

04/12 @ Golden State Warriors: The Warriors, having already won their 74th game after rigging the entire system and Kevin Durant betraying everything a respectable human being stands for, sit all of their starters to celebrate before choking away another championship. Lakers win by one, but never let that distract you from the fact that the 73 win Warriors choked away the first 3-1 lead in NBA Finals history.


82-0 or bust.

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