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Kobe Bryant Will Never Play For Besiktas (Updated)

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Hey, guys. I've got some upsetting news to pass along. This is, uh.... man, I just don't know how to put this. Why don't you sit down here on the couch. Can I get you a glass of water? Geez, I'm just... I'm really sorry you have to hear this from me. Anyway, here goes.... (*dramatic deep breath*)

Besiktas is totally full of shit.

You know their meeting with Kobe Bryant that was supposed to happen yesterday in D.C.? There was no meeting. And their claim that there was a "50 percent chance" Kobe would end up in Turkey? Or that time they announced they'd be signing Kobe in the first week of August? Total nonsense. All of it.

Put us out of our misery, David Aldridge:


Oh, I KNOW. I couldn't believe it either. I mean, who better to inform the world of Kobe's plans than some random Turkish dudes? OK, so not one word from them was ever corroborated by an American source. Why should that bother anyone? Why you gotta be so cynical? When you think about it, there's no way anyone could've figured out this was all a naked publicity grab. You'd have to be some sort of super-intelligent, mind-reading alien to have seen through their web of deception.

I just don't know who to trust anymore. The room's spinning... I gotta go lie down for a while.

UPDATE (5:00 p.m.): Marc Spears and Adrian Wojnarowski, REAL REPORTERS, tell us this afternoon that Kobe is engaged in "substantive contract talks" with teams in China.

UNRELATED SECOND UPDATE (5:02 p.m.): Former Laker Samaki Walker got busted with 10 grams of weed and then tried to eat said weed. NOM NOM NOM.

Follow Dex on Twitter @dexterfishmore.