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EA Sports Is Cutting Corners on the New NBA Jam

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nbajam01
nbajam01

Behold, earthlings! A screen grab from EA Sports' reboot of NBA Jam, courtesy of the handsome cads over at NintendoLife. As luck would have it, they chose to show us a grab featuring a certain Mr. Kobe Bryant, about whom we know a thing or two around here. Let's assess the realism of the image with a little pro-con, shall we?

Pro: The Staples Center court looks like the Staples Center court.

Con: Whatevs. For years now basketball video games have rendered the Staples court pretty convincingly. That's nothing new.

Pro: Kobe looks great. Nearly lifelike.

Con: The Laker Girls are in red and white, for some reason. 

Pro: One of the guys on the bench looks like Derek Fisher, which is exactly where he'd be if you had to pick a couple Lakers to play some two-on-two.

Con: Who the hell are the other dudes on the bench? I don't recognize any of them.

Pro: Phil Jackson looks about right.

Con: No he doesn't. When's the last time you saw Phil stand in a game?

Pro: Kevin Garnett is trailing the play so badly, he's not even in the shot. 

Con: Yes, that's accurate. Kevin Garnett is old and slow and not good at basketball.

Pro: You're supposed to disagree with me. That's the whole point of this little Hegelian dialectic.

Con: Sorry. Let's get back to it.

Pro: Um. I guess that Adidas ad looks realistic.

Con: Yeah, but if they were really paying attention, they'd have used an ad for San Manuel Indian Bingo and Casino.

Pro: I'm running out of good things to say about this.

Con: Not surprised. It looks like they were content to get just a few details right and hope no one would notice the rest.

Pro: I know, right? Like, they have the Laker bench on the wrong side of the court.

Con: Where Jack usually sits! 

Pro: That's disrespectful.

Con: And why do Kobe and Pau Gasol seem to be playing two-on-one against KG?

Pro: Iunno. Maybe Paul Pierce ran out of lives?

Con: I don't think you can run out of lives on NBA Jam.

Pro: Got it. So would you buy this game?

Con: I'm usually a sucker for nostalgic crap like this, but it seems they're only making it for the Wii, which is played by 8-year-olds and middle aged people intimidated by normal video game controllers.

Pro: Right. And since we're neither of these, I guess we won't be buying NBA Jam.

Con: Let's hold out for the long-awaited sequel to Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City.

Pro: Good idea. Hey, did you hear that the Knicks have made a contract offer to Shannon Brown?

Con: That doesn't have anything to do with video games.

Pro: No, but the news hit while you and I were chatting, and if we don't shoehorn it awkwardly into this post, we'll have to do an entirely new one.

Con: Ack! I'll allow it, then.

Pro: Can you imagine Shannon Brown in NBA Jam?

Con: That would be sweet. Also, great job on your part tying this all together.

Pro: Thanks! Your feedback means a lot to me.

Con: K BAI.

Follow Dex on Twitter here.