And NOW to the Controversial shit!
- First things first. We got baptized by the team that I just can't seem to hate. Those Mavs. Those funny, funny, Mavs. I always had a sneaky feeling we'd never want to play them in a playoff series, and I was right. Why? There's no enmity for the Mavs. We just got swept by them, and I can tell you right now that this Laker team feels hardly any enmity for them. And it's because of that damn German. That tall, lanky, jump shot shootin', crazy baby-momma-in-jail havin', no good for nothin', humble Power Forward. Kobe loves him, it is what it is. And you know why that is so, so peculiar? Because Kobe likes very, very, very, very, few people in the entire NBA. Probably, in the entire United States. Kobe's not the happiest fellow, so if you're not Trevor or Josh or Dirk or Barack, Kobe probably doesn't like you. He probably secretly hates you. And damn it, we drew Dirk, and when he started reigning down fire, it was what it was.
- Second things second, we got swept. I still think we could beat this Mavs team if we played a new series with them starting tomorrow, no head coach and all. But that's how this Lakers squad rolled this year. We don't always lose, but when we do, we like to lose inexplicably big and without discernible reason.
- Third things third, fuck the Celtics. Good thing they lost, too. But, seriously, I never went for them a second of a minute this entire season, and that's a sign of respect, because you can never cheer your most hated enemy lest their minor victory spur them to a larger one. Had the Celtics pulled off a championship this year, that would've been a catastrophe for Laker fans. Remember how Pierce was 'tweeting' about the Lakers when we played the Magic in the finals, and how they were claiming it didn't count because KG was hurt? Imagine how worse it'd be had they beat the Mavs in the finals. And they would have. Still, my heart shed a crocodile tear when they were eliminated, because the old guard died that warm night in Miami, and that version of the Big 3 managed only one championship, a feat that will surely stain Doc's legacy as a perspective all time great coach (to any objective eye).
- I'm glad we lost. They were everywhere this Spring. They were at the gym. They were at my job. They were at the local eateries, the bars, the movies. They were especially swarming on the internets. The bandwagon 'fans.' Lord, but they're the worst. They'll show up for a win and for an amazing Kobe shot, but they weren't there for those games in December in Milwaukee, they weren't there for those late games in Portland, they couldn't tell you that Theo Ratliff fell out of his walker and broke his hip, and thus missed this entire season, because they didn't know 38 Year Old Theo Ratliff was on the %#&^%^ team! What they did know? They knew how to complain every time LA lost and say, "SEE, I told you, this team doesn't want it this year! This team's lazy! Kobe shouldv'e passed/shot more, whenever he passes/shoots more, the team loses/wins! I mean, I'm a Laker fan, but--- (random jargon, I've since stopped listening)." They're finally gone, thank God. Seriously, Thank goodness. I like a good, reliable, tried and true Laker hater rather than the championship chasing 'fans' that plague whatever team is on a championship winning streak. And when that three peat was still attainable, they were in the air, thick as flies.
- Mike Brown. Pau Gasol. Andrew Bynum. One of these names isn't going to be on an LA payroll next year. Just writing that makes me chuckle. Mike Brown as our coach? Lakers Coach Mike Brown?! Sad face. I can tell you this: Kobe's getting drunk tonight.
- Not watching the Finals? What the hell!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?! Are you that spoiled as a Laker fan!!!? We've been to about 987 finals! You're more likely to see us in the Finals than any other NBA team! Freaking enjoy the anomaly and stop complaining!
- Kobe's never gonna call a ref those two words ever, ever, ever again. Yea, that 100k fine sounded big, I mean, it definitely tickled his wallet--- who the hell am I kidding? Kobe bathes his dogs in thousand dollar bills. Kobe took a fucking helicopter to Laker games. That fine was a small tax write off, and probably not small enough, at that. You know why Kobe's never gonna make that mistake again? Kobe shot 15 fucking free throws the entire Mavs series. F i f t e e n. Now that's how you teach a damn lesson. Parents, pay attention, hit your child where it hurts, where he'll remember it most. Kobe's gonna be buying roses and sending limo's for the Zebras next year, you better believe it. Thing is... I completely understand. You just can't have a precedent set where you can catch your star hollering slurs at the officials during contests; that's just not acceptable. For comparisons sake, through the first four games (Lakers series was a four game sweep) of these most recent respective series', here's your "stars" relative Free Throw Attempts: Rose- 30, James- 33, Wade- 33, Durant- 43, Nowitzki- 52, (Kobe Bean Bryant- 15). And don't tell me that Kobe doesn't drive more than Durant and Nowitzki, don't even damn try. Lesson learned.
- Lebron v. Dirk. I know there's gonna be stories about the bench and the role players and other starters and whatnot, but to me, the Chip will go to the winner of the individual battle between Dirk and Lebron. Who do you have? #teamlebron? #teamdirk? Have fun folks, this is the Finals!
Well, I'm done. Agree with me, disagree with me, it's all good. Just let your opinion be known. And don't forget to 'rec it' if you liked it. One last thing, though... I have a pretty big meeting today, can someone tie my tie?
PS: Don't ever expect me to endorse a trade with Kobe, Ron, or Lamar. I'm a sentimental motherfucker.