It's been slow the past few days, so I thought I would make another "Lebron James vs. _____" post. Sure, I know we've done this ad infinitum, but hey, aren't we tired of the usual LBJ vs. Kobe/MJ, etc threads? I know I am.
I did some research, and I was able to come up with something rather interesting. Lebron James and the 16th President of the Untied States, Abraham Lincoln, have a lot in common. In fact, a run down of their similarities is quite eerie (<--- that's a hard word to spell, btw, if you can't remember it...).
Abraham Lincoln and Lebron James similarities:
- They were both tall. Abraham Lincoln was between 6'4" to 6'5" in height, with his air max 1861s, he probably stood about 6'7". Lebron James is 7' tall. Or something.
- They were both from Ohio. Okay, not really, but the Midwest can claim both Abraham Lincoln (by way of Illinois, via Indiana, via Kentucy), and Lebron "Akron's Son" James. As a side note, this guy is also from Akron. I guess the D-bag tree grows tall in that part of the country.
- Both of these men are considered "Great Americans". Lincoln is hailed as one of the best Presidents EVER for his handling of the Civil War, abolishing slavery, and other gnarley stuff like his invention (Patent No. 6469) for a device to lift boats over shoals. A shoal is a fancy word for sandbar. Lebron James is hailed as a "Great American" formerly by Clevelandonians, currently by South Beaches. Also some guy named "John Hollinger".
Due to the many and sundry similarities, I thought it would be good to continue this post in a Lebron vs. Lincoln fandango of fun. At the end of this post, I feel confident I will be able to honestly say who is better. More after the jump (no really, it says "THE JUMP" when you make one of these posts).
Lebron James: Creepy look accentuates gargantuan chin, Jay Leno concedes chin-off to Lebron after watching "The Decision".
Abraham Lincoln: Rocks the mullet of the 1860s with his stylishly original choice of beard sans mustache. Amish people rejoice.
Winner: Lincoln. The win goes to the originator of the style. Maybe Lebrons pre-game ceremony will bring him luck. Oh wait, he didn't start that? It was KG? Really, oh my bad.
Lincoln was surrounded by a passel of fools at the onset of the Civil War. Tactical geniuses such as George McLellan, Ambrose Burside, William Rosecrans and Don Buell got the Union off to a resounding 0-9 record while shooting (literally) horribly from the field. Losses at First and Second Manassas, Chancellorsville, Fredricksburg, Chickamauga, Gaines Mill, Malvern Hill, the Valley Campaign, and the Peninsula Campaign did not bode well for Mr. Tall Hat. As the years progress, however, Lincoln knew how to surround himself with winners, and after giving commands to U.S. Grant and William Tecumseh (not a bad word) Sherman, Lincoln took home the prize and championship of a secure Union.
The Cleveland franchise surrounded Lebron James with a veritable army of roll players and sidekicks in an attempt to bring a championship home to the denizens of Celveland. Lebron et al accumulated an astounding 127 and 37 record over the last two years in the regular season. Unfortunately, when the games counted most, the Cavaliers were dispatched easily in the post season by underdogs. Professionally, the "King" has surrounded himself with high quality business associates, most of whom graduated from high school. Together they've engineered such successes as "the Decision" and a new series on the Oxygen Channel: "Michael Vick: Dog Whisperer".
Winner: Lincoln. It's not about who finishes fastest or bestest, but who wins in the end. Ask your mom.
NORTH VS. SOUTH
A gifted young basketball player and the pride of Akron, Lebron James played something like 7 seasons for the Cleveland Cavaliers. In a delightful show of solidarity Lebron decided to take his skills to South Beach, Florida, and play for Pat Railly and Dwayne Wade. Along for the ride came Dr. Hype, Chris Bosh, and a whole load of other bandwagoners. Basically, a blue-blooded Yankee decided to leave the promise land of unemployment and snow for the Rebel debauchery that is known as Kardasian, Florida. Or Miami. Whatever.
Tall and gangly Mr. Lincoln decided to mobilize the Federal Army and crush the secessionist Rebels in only 4ish short years of brutal, bloody combat. The culmination of his masterpiece was the torching of Atlanta that would immortalize forever some movie that women like. As a follow up, Lincoln was not around for Reconstruction, but that wasn't his fault.
Winner: Lincoln. Preservation of the Union vs. preservation of Ego? I'll take Union for $1000 Mr. Trebek!
Abraham Lincoln. Lost his mother to Milk Sickness (crazy shit! google it now!), and had to suffer through numerous other personal tragedies including loss of loved ones and the slow spiral into insanity of his wife (funny, my wife seemed to go insane right after saying "I do").
Lebron James. Lost his mother to Delonte West.
Winner: James. This was a toss up, really, as the thought of having little Lebronte Wests running around the house is recipe for ugly jokes for decades to come. At least Gloria is happy? Right?
Abraham Lincoln. Decides to catch a showing of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theater. Gets shot. Dies.
Lebron James. Decides to air a showing of "The Decision" on ESPN. Career is shot. Dies.
Winner: James. Another close one, James' character assassination is a little different than actual assassination, especially because it was more like character suicide. But I digress...
Abraham Lincoln: Hundreds of thousands of soldiers killed, millions of families displaced, billions of dollars cost. One country saved.
Lebron James: Special fanclub designs PERsonal stat to track James' greatness; defense statistic of "chase down blocks" enters into common discussion about defensive greatness. Michael Cooper curses his timing. Stats like "championship wins" still lacking.
Winner: Lincoln. Lots of numbers with no end result isn't worth much. Check my retirement portfolio if you need to confirm.
Lebron James: Has his sights set at billionairehood, and has opened his own marketing company "LBRMR" or something. Schmoozes with rich people, famous people, and makes sure to groom his public image so there will be no crazy debacle like Tiger went through.
Abraham Lincoln: Probably made like $17 dollars a year as president.
Winner: Lincoln. Inflation or not, billionaire or not, Lincoln's face is all over the cash, for reals. Now, we can readdress this some year if the Commonwealth of Micronesia ever decides to release a gold-clad Lebron James coin.
Abraham Lincoln took this one in a landslide, folks. He doesn't quite have the stats of Lebron, but he does have what it takes to get things done down the line. Hats off to Lebron for an exciting match, I'm sure he'll do fine playing on D-Wades team. They'll probably chill with the Kardashians, and play Xbox and stuff, hell, they might even let Bosh tag along. But when it comes to winners, true playas know how to finish. Lincoln? Klosed.
Somewhere, Ammo is polishing his rings...