Quicken Loans Arena was the site of the largest cult gathering since Reverend James Jones (a Hoosier from neighboring Indiana) offed some 900 people in Jonestown, Guyana.

“We’re so happy we won the championship”, said Cleveland native Veronica Bowls. “Thanks to the coming of Lebron our city has finally been blessed with a championship”.

When reporters advised Mrs. Bowls that there were still approximately 20-some games left in the regular series she just stared at them, eerily, without blinking. The throng then gradually dissipated, slowly overrunning nearby Chili’s and Golf Courses.

Hector Rodriguez, native of San Diego, and lightning technician for the arena, was asked to comment on the spectacle. “Crazy people, no offense, what they going to do when Lebron leave for New Jersey”?

That question will remain unanswered for now, but for the tens of thousands of pasty Mid-Westerners who reveled in the glory of the unproven one, one thing can be said; one size really does fit all. Except Lebron, his head wouldn’t fit.